Recently in Quakerism Category

 Here is the handout from a talk I am giving tomorrow on the challenges for parents when we watch our children struggle with developmental issues:

1.     Welcome: it's good to talk about our roles as parents

2.   Quaker beliefs: growing into goodness/minding the Light in each of us/ integrity in word and deed/experience life on life's terms

3.   Freud - a healthy adult is able "to love and to work"

4.   Developmental tasks to be accomplished:

·        experience my gender and my sexuality...

·        learn the difference between being assertive and aggressive...

·        learn to be more independent...

·        figure out the person I want to be using the traits of the person I am...

·        learn to live in the middle and not be too big or too small...

·        learn to be a critical thinker...

·        establish and maintain healthy friendships with peers...

·        come to terms with my changing body..

5.    Good parenting versus overindulgence: what does overindulgence look like?

·        No firm limits and expectations

·        More concern about child's feelings than family needs

·        Parents emotionally overattentive

·        Too much authority too soon

·        Children expect to have things done for them

·        There is too much emphasis on perfection

6.   Research on overindulgence in children:

·        Poor development of conscience

·        More aggression and non-compliance

·        Lack of assertion skills

·        Lack of self-confidence

·        Less concern for others

·        A sense of entitlement

·        Overly dependent on parents

·        Feel "too big"

7.    Good parenting versus overindulgence in the face of challenges:

·        Separate your pain from your child's pain.

·        Avoid "interviewing for pain" (Thompson).

·        Praise appropriately.

·        Set limits and stick to them.

·        Realize that you are the parent (not their friend).

8.   Respect your child's ability to handle the situation:

·        Empathy: "That must be very hard..."

·        Pause - allow them to experience your kind attention.

·        Turn it over: "What are you going to do about it?"

·        Affirmation: "You are a smart/brave/honest/caring individual. I am sure you can handle this."

·        Keep the door open: "Let me know how this goes."

9.   Raising our children to be adults we'd like to have as friends: what are the qualities of my friends that I admire...

It is my privilege to work with you and your families.

"Let your life speak" gets at the heart of Quakerism as an experiential faith: we strive to live what we believe and do as we say. Each one of us may be challenged by a particular testimony - simplicity comes to mind for me - yet we move forward, without judgment of one another's sincere efforts, to embrace the belief that our relationship with the Spirit is immediate and immanent in our daily lives.

So what does each of us do to embrace a "call to action"? It can be as simple as this: change one thing in your life:

·         Pick one area you would like to improve and brainstorm ideas for change.

·         Be humble and simple in your choices: small steps can lead to big results.

·         Pick something you will do ("purchase more Fair Trade items") rather than something you will stop doing ("stop eating sweets").

·         Make a simple plan to remind yourself of this new endeavor (a note on the fridge, a daily message on your phone, a gentle nudge from a family member).

·         Go "public" with your plan: we do better when others know of our efforts to make changes in our lives.

·         Bounce back from slips and have a sense of humor about yourself and how hard it is to create change in our lives!

John Dewey said that the goal of education is "to build a world." We can strive every day to create the tools that will enable each of us to become architects of a world that embraces all beings with love and compassion. Blessings on your efforts!

Teacher John Scardina

Quakers have long believed that human nature contains the capacity for living with others in peace. Our evolution as a species, however, has been fraught with instances of war and violence. Are we doomed by our biology - survival of the fittest amidst "nature red in tooth and claw" - or is there hope for future harmony on a greater scale?

Steven Pinker, an evolutionary psychologist at Harvard, has long been a student of human development. I have read one of his books - How The Mind Works - and found it to be an exhaustive and informative study of human cognition and brain functioning (basically we process information really well....).  Now, Pinker has published a new book, The Better Angels of Our Nature (reviewed in the New York Times on 11/29/11), which provides concrete evidence that violence has declined significantly over thousands of years. A reasonable extrapolation then becomes this statement: if incidents of violence decrease, the possibilities for peaceful resolution of conflict increase. Hope springs eternal!

For me, this is a statistical affirmation of a basic Quaker tenet: that given the proper nurture and a reliance upon the Spirit of Truth for guidance, children "grow into goodness" and continue to develop into moral adults.

 The idea of an evolution of consciousness is not new: it was articulated by Teilhard de Chardin in his book The Phenomenon of Man  and elsewhere. And, indeed, as we all "grow into goodness," would violence necessarily fall away from our lives?

In this winter celebration of the Light amidst the Darkness may our faith and our science lead us to believe that the ongoing story of humankind - our own continuing revelation - is toward peace on earth and good will to all.

With blessings,

Teacher John

In her book MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS, Carol Dworkin talks about fundamental differences in the way we approach the world - through school, work, and relationships - to either maximize our development as people or remain stuck in our present life situation. She presents two worldviews - the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset" - that represent these approaches to life:  

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                 Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard...  Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children, as can teachers for the students in their classrooms. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Quaker schools embody the growth mindset. Human development is seen as the :"continuing revelation" of our gifts as we "grow into goodness" and build fulfilling lives, day by day.

SO - Try new experiences (the opera, NASCAR, a yoga class)...learn a new skill or hobby (the violin, welding, sailing)...read about people who can be role models (Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, the Quakers)...ask yourself "what would (my role model) do in this situation?" and see if you can act in a positive way, too...learn to give and receive feedback with compassion and acceptance.

People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills. How about trying on a "growth mindset"?                         

How do we keep ourselves "right-sized" as we go through our daily routines? What allows us to keep things in proper perspective, seeking to find a balance in our approach to the world?

My wife and I recently joined two other couples on a trip to South America. After some sightseeing in Peru, we crossed over into Bolivia, where we met with the staff from the Quaker Bolivia Link (QBL), an international organization dedicated to the reduction of poverty amongst the indigenous peoples who live around La Paz. Projects are developed with eligible communities, with each family making a contribution to the effort and each community taking on the responsibility for future monitoring and maintenance of the projects. Travelling to a different village and a different project each day - projects such as community water systems, solar greenhouses, llama herd management, and trout farming - we came to meet many people from remote villages, living above 12,000 feet on the altiplano with few personal possessions and the barest of living accommodations. Delighted by our presence, and thankful for the organization's support, these men, women, and children were uniformly friendly and smiling, sharing with us their food and music and dancing in ways that were heartwarming and remarkable. It was a brilliant reminder that simplicity need not be onerous but can also embrace joyfulness. It also became clear that individual needs that are met through community efforts are further enriched by the sharing of hard work and dedication amongst neighbors and friends.

This has become my favorite way to travel - to experience the world's wonders and also meet the world's people in meaningful ways. Given our relative affluence, might we look to "service travel" more often for ourselves and our families?

My hope is that we might keep ourselves "right-sized" in our desires and hopes, being mindful of the level of need around the world and the limited resources available on our planet. Simplicity and community - two of our Quaker testimonies - are useful guidelines for keeping "right-sized" as we move forward in our lives.

Wishing one and all a blessed and healthy spring...     

In peace,

Teacher John Scardina  

I recently spent time in El Salvador, building a house in the village of San Jose Villanueva. Six colleagues from Friends Academy (a Quaker school on Long Island) and I worked through the Epilogos Foundation in providing a liveable space for a family whose only source of income is selling tamales and cheese to neighbors. It was a life-changing experience, but more importantly brought home several lessons about service to others:

·        We are always better off than someone else: even when our condition in life seems to be at the bottom, there are others in greater need. Perspective is a valuable gift that can keep us from feeling "too big" or "too small" - what one psychiatrist calls the "grandiosity versus despair" continuum.

·        Giving of time and work is valuable in a different way from giving money : The opportunity to experience with body, mind, and spirit the actual living environment of those we serve is what makes actual service in person a deeper experience. We were lucky enough to be working side by side with the family who would live in the house, and the bonds that formed between us and that family are quite remarkable.

·        Service is the best antidote to depression: Carl Roger, a pioneer in client-centered psychology, was once asked what to do when one felt profoundly depressed. His answer was quite telling: pack a bag, leave your home, find someone worse off than you are, and be of service. While in El Salvador, we met with Sister Peggy O'Neill, who runs the Centro Art para la Paz (Art Center for Peace) in the town of Suchitoto and who has been in El Salvador since 1986, which was the middle of the twelve year war that ravaged the people of that country. Her commitment to service and healing through art that was forged in the midst of the horrors of war shines on her face, even as she speaks of unspeakable atrocities she witnessed.  Sister Peggy exemplifies what William James called "the religion of healthy mindedness" - the choice to be positive and life-affirming in one's actions and thoughts - and her commitment to others is a valuable model for overcoming our often self-indulgent mindset.

·        Service benefits the giver as much as the receiver: To quote Mario, the Salvadoran brother-in-law of one of my colleagues: "Thank you for coming to El Salvador and helping those who really need it. I'm sure you've changed some lives, as well as your own." This certainly changed my life.

 Doing service as a family is a valuable way to exemplify the values we wish to embody as parents and wish to see in our children: love towards others, gratitude for what we have, and an unselfish willingness to make the world a better place. We can find opportunities for service everywhere, so don't be put off by lack of funds or time. Remember Kant's categorical imperative - "Act in every situation as you would wish every other person to act" - and go out and make a difference.

There was a lively and interactive discussion last night at West Chester Friends School regarding diversity: how do we as a community handle our differences as we celebrate one another? Many areas of strength - as well as many areas of challenge - were shared after we began with exploration of our own positive and negative experiences with diversity over the course of our lives.

I am reminded of the mission of Friends schools - to educate the whole child as each person grows into goodness - and and glad we are "checking in" to see that all feel welcomed and supported. Quakers set the bar quite high on issues of integrity and equality - two of our core testimonies - and we need to continually monitor how we are doing as new families join our community.

For me, every time I come to the school and walk through the halls, diversity jumps out at me: art, writing, music, creative play, and meaningful reflection are woven into the very fabric of our school, with room and encouragement for individual expression and "thinking outside of the box." May this be the case for all of us in all parts of our lives!

It is, as always, my privilege to work here. Blessings to all...

In peace,

Teacher John

www. ThinkLaughLearn.com

As a "wholistic educator" (my spell checker doesn't like this word, but I just can't get into "holistic" as a substitute!) I have had the privilege over the past 32 years to work in Friends schools, honoring that of God in each child as all are growing toward goodness. My own path has included The Whole Earth Catalog, whole grains, "whole brain" learning techniques, and a "whole" lot of playing music with every group I join. So what about the "whole" meeting community: how do we nurture everyone in all ways?

In medieval times (think of the story of cathedral building in Ken Follett's Pillars of the Earth) the place of worship was at the center of community life. Rather than a quaint building that comes to life once a week, might we look to our meetinghouses as community centers once again, with opportunities for each part of our meeting family to find connection?

And what of the "wholistic" aspect of meeting activities: do we seek to engage the body, the mind, and the soul? Are there opportunities for yoga class and Zumba dancing, Bible study and book clubs, clearness committee and worship sharing? Based upon the idea that Quakers will bring in new members through attraction rather than promotion, do we invite community groups to share in our space, or do we fret about those 18^th century chairs we don't want anyone to break? And is there space for messy kids, loud adolescents, and quirky adults? How about 12-Step groups and local political organizations?

One of the teenagers I work with as a psychologist is a member of a Catholic youth group. This group meets twice a week, does a variety of service projects, records original music that gets played in church sometimes, and is seen as "cool" by the teens. We have wonderful youth programs (Powell House, Junior YM) in NYYM, but can we bring that energy back home to our meetings?

As "peculiar" people we Quakers are often seen as "thinking outside the box." Maybe our own "box" is a quietist dream of worshipful silence in a well-attended meeting room that settles into deep spiritual connection. But what about the crying baby, the nudgy child whose page-turning while reading is driving a nearby worshiper to distraction, and the confused adult who rambles on endlessly?

We, of course, know the answers here, yet questions arise: who is going to have the time and energy to do all of these things? With no "paid ministry" aren't we different from the Catholic youth group (with a paid youth minister on staff?) Well, Friends, if we says that Quakers abolished the laity and not the ministry, are we not the answer ourselves? And if we cannot tithe financially, can we tithe with our time? If we believe that each of us have gifts to share, can we help our members discern their gifts and thus draw them into the life of the whole meeting? And is there room for all types of worship, all types of activities, and all types of people?

During the Sun Dance - a very powerful ritual amongst Plain Indians - children would poke the dancers with sticks and laugh at their reactions while the dancers were experiencing the pangs of hunger and the rigors of the ritual they believed would lead to spiritual experiences. These children were not sent away - they were instead welcomed as young and innocent members of the community who one day would embark upon their own spiritual journeys. There was no original sin here - something we profess as well. Do we indeed welcome our own children so lovingly into our worship?

Every meeting community is a "(w)hol(e)y experiment" in living life on life's terms. Each meeting community will find its own rhythm and pace as the dance of life and worship continues. Let us be sure that we look to the whole person - physically, mentally, and spiritually - as well to the whole community - grandchildren to grandparents, single and committed, humans all - as we embrace everyone. Just think of the bumper sticker that says:

GOD BLESS THE WHOLE WORLD - NO EXCEPTIONS