Recently in communication skills Category

 This is the handout for a recent set of workshops I am giving for parents and children. The activities include family drawings, designing dialogues to deal with conflict, and group problem-solving sessions to develop resilience. The workshop centers around three basic concepts: Respect, communications, and resilience.

    RESPECT: how do we treat each other?

"It's fair to say that if you don't teach your children to honor you, you'll have a very hard time teaching them anything else."

Wendy Mogel, The Blessing of a Skinned Knee

Questions to ask yourself about respect:

•           Do you allow your children to interrupt you?

•           Do you have a designated place at the table?

•           Do your children consistently argue or contradict your words?

•           Do they talk back to you in public?

•           Do you give your children enough opportunities to help out and be responsible?

•           Do they respect your privacy? Do they enter your room or take your things          without asking?

Remember: it is your home, and you are in charge. Your children need a parent, not a friend.

COMMUNICATION: How do we express ourselves to one another?

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart....To arrive at a mutual desire to give from the heart, we focus the light of consciousness on four areas: 1) observations; 2) feelings; 3) needs; 4) requests."

Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

Script for "Language of Life" communication:

•           OBSERVE WITHOUT JUDGMENT: "I see in your family picture that you have a concern about the invasion of the privacy of your room by your brother."

•           EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS: "I have that issue, too, and I feel disappointed           when I find things missing from my office that turn up in your room."

•           EXPRESS YOUR NEED: "I need you - as well as your brother - to respect the privacy of everyone's belongings in this house."

•           MAKE A REQUEST: "Can we set up a family discussion tonight to talk about this with the entire family?"

Remember:  it's better to stay connected than to be right. Use non-violent communication to

find win-win solutions for your family.

 

RESILIENCE: How do we respond to challenges?

"Every word and action can send a message. It tells children...how to think about themselves. It can be a fixed mindset message that says: You have permanent traits and I'm judging them. Or it can be a growth mindset message that says: You are a developing person and I am interested in your development."

Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

 

            Develop resilience by changing your approach to life from fixed to a growth mindset:

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                  Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard... Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Remember: People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills.

___________________________________________________________      

Parenting is the hardest job many of us will ever do. Be gentle with yourself and enjoy the journey.

 

It is my privilege to work with each of you.           

 

In peace,

Teacher John

 

 

New research by Michael Potegal and James Green confirms what many of us childhood therapists have known for years: it is useless to try to reason with a child having a tantrum, and it is also in fact counterproductive. Sound familiar: trying to reason with your screaming three year-old, and finding the tantrum getting worse and you getting angry yoursel

 

The new studies show that every tantrum has an arc - from yelling and screaming to whining and crying - that seems universal. In addition, the emotions behind the tantrum are complex. Anger (easy to spot!) and sadness (usually masked at first) are there throughout, and the goal is to get past the anger and into the sadness. Once the child is sad - crying, whimpering, now looking for affection - the tantrum is reaching its end. Now we might find a chance to talk and reassure.

 

Why not reason with the child during the anger stage? Their brains are already "full" - they are in fact overwhelmed as well as being overwhelming - why add more information?

Tantrums are a typical part of a child's development. Don't fret: they end and we all move on!

So give this a whirl: here's the link for the NPR story about this research:

 

http://www.npr.org/blogs/health/2011/12/05/143062378/whats-behind-a-temper-tantrum-scientists-deconstruct-the-screams

 

In peace and with humility,

 

Teacher John

In her book MINDSET: THE NEW PSYCHOLOGY OF SUCCESS, Carol Dworkin talks about fundamental differences in the way we approach the world - through school, work, and relationships - to either maximize our development as people or remain stuck in our present life situation. She presents two worldviews - the "fixed mindset" and the "growth mindset" - that represent these approaches to life:  

                        Fixed Mindset:                                 Growth Mindset:    

                        Intelligence is static...                     Intelligence can be developed...   

                        Look smart at all costs...                 Remain curious and humble...

                        Avoid challenges...                           Embrace challenges...

                        Give up on obstacles...                    Persist in the face of obstacles...

                        Effort is fruitless...                           Effort is the key...

                        Ignore negative feedback...            Learn from negative feedback...

                        Feel threatened by the                   Find inspiration in the

                              success of others...                          success of others...       

                        Lose interest if things are hard...  Get motivated if things are hard...

Parents can be examples of either mindset for their children, as can teachers for the students in their classrooms. Wouldn't we want those we serve and love to see life as an unfolding adventure rather than a process of protecting themselves from the trials and tribulations of the world? And how can you build resilience if you always give up too easily (i.e., "That's not for me"...."I just don't have the talent"..."I'm too (old/tired/busy) for that")?

Quaker schools embody the growth mindset. Human development is seen as the :"continuing revelation" of our gifts as we "grow into goodness" and build fulfilling lives, day by day.

SO - Try new experiences (the opera, NASCAR, a yoga class)...learn a new skill or hobby (the violin, welding, sailing)...read about people who can be role models (Michael Jordan, Mother Teresa, the Quakers)...ask yourself "what would (my role model) do in this situation?" and see if you can act in a positive way, too...learn to give and receive feedback with compassion and acceptance.

People who live long and productive lives never stop learning from their mistakes and continually work on themselves and their skills. How about trying on a "growth mindset"?                         

This book is a gem: a practical and hands-on approach to human relationships that stresses connection and empathy over "being right" and "getting what you want." Rosenberg comes from the violent streets of Detroit and knows the value of language in getting out of tight situations. A student of Carl Rogers and a proponent of peace education around the world, he is a beacon of hope for me in laying out his approach to what some have called "authentic" conversations.

Rosenberg lays out four main steps toward compassionate dialogue:

·        Observation: what you see, presented without judgment or emotion.

"I see that there has been a disagreement between you and your brother."

·        Feeling: what you feel, presented with ownership for the emotion and free from blame or projection.

"I feel disappointed in myself as a parent in not being a more effective role model for you two when I engage in arguing myself."

·        Need: what you need from the situation, making yourself vulnerable to another while clearly expressing your own incomplete ability to change a situation.

"I need a chance to talk with you both so that we can come up with ways

 to improve this situation."

·        Request: a statement that truly asks without demanding, keeping the focus on enhancing both yourself and the other person.

"Will you both come sit with me in an hour so that we can work on this?"

 

Sounds simple, eh? Recent experiences of my own suggest otherwise, since I have been educated in the language of blame, denial, and projection. I can already see that this will be a life-long process, yet I remain excited by the chance to enhance my relationships with others and promote more peaceful interactions in this world.

 

Changing how we speak and relate to one another takes time, and this book is a wonderful companion on this journey. I recommend it highly to you.

 

In peace and with humility,

Teacher John